Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway
by Sad WTF
Summary: The Major gets a new hobby and accidentally gets Integral and Maxwell's bodies switched (no, it's not going to be smutty!). And... I'm horrible at summaries. Maybe I x M, but not yet. -Chapter 5 up!-
1. One of the Many Reasons the Major Should

Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway

By Sad WTF

Chapter 1. One of the Many Reasons the Major Should Be Shot  
  
---  
  
The problem started when the Major began delving in arcane rituals. You see, he was never content with an army of vampire Nazis being at his command; no, he wanted to be able to have an army of Nazi witches at his command, as well. However, as witchcraft did not possess romantic appeal like that of vampirism, he had no volunteers offering to help him. Therefore, he had to make do with a do-it-at-home kit, which the Doctor refused to help him with. And those who know the Major well enough will say that the Major unaccompanied by an adult when doing anything is more disastrous than a three-year-old meddling with drain cleaner while being babysat by a drunk penguin wearing a beret.  
  
And so, one boring Saturday is when this all began.  
  
The Major was tired of turning Schrödinger's hair blue, and Joleen's buttocks green. He wanted some real magic! Devising a plan so cunning he could make a paper airplane with it and use it to bomb public lavatories in London, he sent out some cleverly disguised messages to the leaders of both Hellsing and Iscariot. These messages would never reveal who they were from. He even changed his handwriting for just this job! The messages indicated that a secret ally would divulge information on the dreaded Millennium organization. Surely this would pique the interest of both parties!  
  
In actuality, the letter sent to Sir Integral Hellsing read, in handwriting that was very much like Alucard's (which could be anything because Alucard never writes anything), "Me tie dotty walker", which made Integral boiling mad for no other reason besides her wish to be boiling mad. Since she had nothing to do that day, much like in many other Hellsing fanfics - because otherwise, how could she get into compromising positions with a bunch of paperwork to do and vampires to fight? - she decided to go and investigate, bringing with her a pair of pistols and a bazooka, just in case it really was Alucard being a walking corpse with a penchant for pranks and nothing else to do but drive this lame storyline along.  
  
The letter that Father Enrico Maxwell received was not as elaborate as the one sent to Sir Hellsing. All he got on his desk was a note that read, "I am Anderson, and my head is stuck in a toilet." If this hadn't happened only a week before, he would have disregarded the message. But seeing as it did, and the entire Section Twelve of the Vatican had been witness to it and now viewed Section Thirteen as incompetent and stupid, Maxwell quickly rushed out of his office carrying a toilet plunger and his security blanket, or whatever that thing is he loves to drape over himself.  
  
Integral started marching in one direction, and Maxwell walked in that direction as well, whatever direction that may have been. It could have been Bulgaria for all we know. Wherever it is, I'm quite impressed that they reached the same destination by walking, unless Maxwell was living right next door, which is impossible. Comments from the stupid author aside, it was quite a moment later (longer than it would have taken to write or read one paragraph) when they stopped walking.  
  
"So you're the one who sent me that note," growled Integral, pointing at what she thought of as a Catholic nuisance standing three yards away from her. "I should have guessed. You Catholics are known for this sort of thing!"  
  
Maxwell merely gaped, trying to ignore Integral loading her bazooka and pointing it at his direction, which unnerved him. After a moment of looking around, he glared and stepped out of the way, a few paces to the left. "No wonder Anderson hid his head in a toilet," he said. "From the sight of you, I would have done the same."  
  
Integral would have blown Maxwell away right then and there, but A: This wasn't based on the Anime, B: This storyline had to be written further, and C: She needed Iscariot's help until Millennium was dead. Ha-ha. Oh, and the Major had jumped up on an impressive ledge over them to strike a dramatic pose.  
  
"You have fallen for my clever trap," said the Major. However, his voice was so tiny, that Integral and Maxwell did not notice until the Major started shouting into a megaphone. Finally, when he had their attention, he cackled evilly.  
  
Integral rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "Oh, bollocks. What do you want?" She had to admit to herself that seeing the Major was slightly worse than seeing any Catholic. She ignored the annoying glare coming from Maxwell, who believed that she should not use such language when in the presence of a holy man. Or some dumb stuff like that, which doesn't really matter.  
  
The Major quickly jumped back out of sight and reappeared dressed in what he considered an appropriate outfit for the event. Unfortunately, he looked more like a Harry Potter cosplayer than anything else.  
  
"I'm going to ruin your lives forever!" squealed the Major with glee. Then he waved his wand at them, shouting gibberish - but nothing worked, of course, because real magic doesn't work like that. Integral and Maxwell started to walk away when a combination of words and gestures that the Major had accidentally made had finally connected, and shot them both like a bolt of lightning.  
  
Billows of smoke filled the whole area, and people all around thought that the world had ended and had turned to hell, also known as Los Angeles. When the smoke cleared, the leaders of Hellsing and Iscariot still stood, seemingly unharmed. The Major frowned in disappointment and decided to stop practicing witchcraft from thereon, seeing as there were no benefits for him to reap. He walked off dejected, never knowing what he had done.  
  
Integral blinked as the smoke cleared, surprised by her change in location. She was suddenly standing where Maxwell had been only a few moments before. And ahead of her she saw herself, looking horrified. Maxwell had just realized the same thing that Integral did, as he now saw an image of himself a few yards from where he now stood. With an accompaniment of dramatic chords, they realized that they hadn't died and left their bodies like they would have liked to believe. In fact, it was much, much worse. In fact, their bodies had been switched by the abominable Major.  
  
Coming to this terrifying revelation, both screamed, hoping it was all a very bad nightmare. But it wasn't. It was a very bad fanfic.  
  
---  
  
The End. Okay, it's not the end. But I like leaving things at stupid cliff hangers or whatever. Like I said in the description, this body-switch thing is so overdone, yet I always liked this theme, and thought it would be perfect for those two or something. Not that any of your care! I'm going to get flamed tonight! Tee-hee.


	2. When Integral and Maxwell Had Finally Ce...

Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway

By Sad WTF

Chapter 2. When Integral and Maxwell Had Finally Ceased Their Screaming (Because That's What Word Named the Chapter by Default)  
  
---  
  
When Integral and Maxwell had finally ceased their screaming, it was already the next day. Maxwell was about to drink a glass of water before he resumed his screaming, when Integral stopped him by knocking the glass out of his hand.  
  
"This is your fault!" she snarled at him, looking more intimidating now that she was taller. That, and the fact that it would be very disquieting to find yourself yelling at you. "Something bad happens every time you appear!"  
  
"That's not true!" protested Maxwell, knowing very well that it was mostly true. "It's altogether your fault! If you hadn't come here meddling in my dealing with Iscariot's problems, this wouldn't have happened!"  
  
Integral started to open her mouth to argue, when she decided that hearing Maxwell's voice coming from such a close proximity as inside her mouth, and the prospect of them arguing pointlessly and wasting time turned her off to the idea of coming up with a counterattack. Integral merely turned away and decided to shoot him instead, when she realized that he was the one who was now carrying her weapons. The bastard.  
  
"You bastard," was all Integral said, because that was all she could think of, and mostly what she thought on the rare occasions he came to her mind. Maxwell looked at her with a rather offended look, which looked stupid on her face. Not that an expression like that wouldn't look stupid on his face. But the idea of him using his disgusting expressions on _her face_ was revolting to her.  
  
They stood in silence for a moment, not really knowing what to do, seeing as they didn't know where to find the Major to murder him. The approaching dawn yielded nothing, and Integral finally sighed, severely annoyed. Oh, how Alucard would laugh at her if he found out!  
  
"Alright, Maxwell. As much as this situation is highly uncomfortable beyond any words of disgust I could conjure up to describe, we have no choice but to return to our respective headquarters and try to track down the other bastard." Integral glared and folded her arms in front of her chest, and was surprised to recall that she no longer had one.  
  
Maxwell now framed her poor face with another one of his idiotic expressions, this time with a look of horror. Integral was about to demand why he made such an unappealing grimace when he nearly screeched at her.  
  
"I'm not leaving you out of my sight!" he exclaimed, pointing at her. "Besides, what will they think when I return to Iscariot like _this_?"  
  
Integral rolled her eyes. "You idiot! I'm going to Iscariot! You're going to my mansion!"  
  
"Oh," said Maxwell, still looking suspicious. Integral started to march towards the direction he came from, when his lingering suspicious look annoyed her enough to stop and glare at him.  
  
They stared at each other a moment before Integral opened her mouth. "What?" she snapped.  
  
"You better not do anything inappropriate with my body! I'll get in trouble for that!" was his reply.  
  
Integral felt her jaw tighten as she fought the overwhelming urge to throttle him. Seeing as she could not harm her own body, she finally controlled herself enough to keep her hands from flying to his throat. She merely flung off the annoying blanket-type-scarf thing that was hanging about her neck and threw it at his face.  
  
"Isn't that what I should be telling you?" she pointed out.  
  
They glared again at each other, suspicious of what the other might do, now that the perverse idea had popped in their minds, but they finally managed to calm down enough to just walk away. And away they walked, right back to their headquarters.  
  
Maxwell trudged up to the Hellsing mansion, draping his beloved blanket over his shoulders as he gazed up at his temporary home. When he reached the door, he began pounding on it loudly, disregarding the nearly hidden doorbell. Hellsing did not get many visitors, and those who came usually called in advance. Finally, Maxwell noticed the doorbell and began ringing it just as furiously. Walter practically ran to get the door before the mansion exploded. He was quite surprised to find who he believed to be Integral herself standing in the doorway, looking rather odd with a sullen expression on her face and a blanket resting across her shoulders.  
  
"Sir? I did not expect to find you here at the front door. Is something the matter?" he asked, noticing that she didn't look quite right.  
  
"No, I ran into that Major. From Millennium," Maxwell stammered, not really sure how to address the butler, whose name he had forgotten.  
  
"Are you all right?" Walter began to ask, alarmed. Maxwell waved his hand dismissively at his face before he could continue, however.  
  
"Yes, yes, I'm fine. You don't happen to know where he lives though, do you?" he asked, hopefully.  
  
Walter stared at him, bewildered. "Of course not, sir. We've been trying to track him down for ages."  
  
Maxwell frowned. "Oh, you seemed like the type who would know that kind of thing. Oh, well. I'm going to that wo-...err...my...office."  
  
Walter bowed, and Maxwell couldn't find anything to say to stop him as he left. Now he was left stranded in a huge mansion, with no idea where anything was, including Integral's damned office.  
  
Maxwell started wandering around the whole mansion, opening and closing doors for several hours before he finally found the room he was looking for. He was annoyed to find Walter there, holding a tray in his hands.  
  
"Oh, I'm glad to find you have arrived," said Walter. "I was worried when I noticed you weren't here as you said you would be."  
  
"Well, mind your own business!" snapped Maxwell, startling Walter once again. The poor butler was wondering what was up with Integral today. He sighed and placed the tray on her desk before turning to leave. He stopped and turned at the doorway, bowing slightly. "I'll be here if you need anything, Sir Hellsing," he said, before closing the doors behind him.  
  
"Yeah, whatever," said Maxwell, finally able to sit and have some time to himself.  
  
---  
  
To be continued and stuff. Not much is happening yet. There will be more "interesting" things happening soon. Who knows? I'm making this up as I go along! Hahahahahahaha.


	3. I Got Your Picture, I Got Your Picture I...

Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway

By Sad WTF

Chapter 3. I Got Your Picture, I Got Your Picture (I'd Like a Million of You All Round My Cell)  
  
---  
  
"Father Maxwell, you missed Mass yesterday," said an anxious Father Ronaldo, as Integral appeared at Iscariot headquarters.  
  
"Oh," said Integral, blinking and trying to find some sort of facial expression to use that indicated that she actually cared. "Well, tell me about it, then."  
  
Father Ronaldo frowned. "I meant that you forgot to show up. Again."  
  
Integral was about tell the old man to mind his own business, when she heard a snicker from the corner, and found a priest, or at least a girl dressed as one, laughing at her.  
  
"Looks like Father Maxwell found a way to avoid saying Mass again," she said, in-between her snickering.  
  
Father Ronaldo shook his head. "No, Heinkel. Father Maxwell wouldn't ever intentionally skip Mass. Would you, Father Maxwell?"  
  
Integral said nothing but merely stared him down. She ignored the old man's disapproving look and the girl's snorting laughter and looked around for any room that looked like Maxwell's office. She decided to search without these people watching her every move, and quickly left the front room to move into the hallway.  
  
Glancing briefly at each door made her come to the conclusion that Maxwell's office had to be on either ends of the hallway, as both rooms seemed to possess the most elaborate doors in this area. She picked the one straight ahead of her and flung open the door to realize she had made the right choice. This room was decidedly Maxwell. Smirking, she slammed the door behind her before those meddling Catholics could find her again.  
  
Looking around the room, she made sure it really was Maxwell's office, and confidently sat at the desk once she was positive. She grimaced to find framed pictures of Maxwell and a bunch of Catholics laden here and there. She stopped and nearly fell over when she found a picture of _her_ in a corner.  
  
"What the bloody _hell_!" screamed Integral, just as Father Ronaldo came in without knocking. "Can't you knock!?" she turned her anger onto the intruding old man.  
  
Father Ronaldo shrank back, unaccustomed to this sort of behavior from Maxwell. He was the sort who would throw the occasional – okay, maybe not occasional, more like usual – temper tantrum, but he had never acted like this before.  
  
"Nevermind," said Integral, calming herself a bit. "Why do I have a picture of m- I mean, that _English woman_ here?" she demanded instead, as if Father Ronaldo had been the one to put it there.  
  
Father Ronaldo stared. Hadn't he himself been the one to ask Father Maxwell just a few weeks before, why he had a picture of the Hellsing woman in his office?  
  
"To throw darts on," had been the cool reply from Maxwell. And that had been the end of that. It was bewildering to find Father Maxwell asking him in turn. He wasn't entirely sure how to answer that question.  
  
"Err..." started Father Ronaldo, hesitantly. "I thought you liked it?"  
  
Integral blanched, disgusted. "No, I don't!"  
  
"Well, you could always take it down. It is your desk, after all," said Father Ronaldo.  
  
Integral shook her head. "I have better things to do," she said, tossing the picture aside. "For one, I would like you to work harder to find that Nazi swine's secret hideout. Now."  
  
Father Ronaldo said nothing, but nodded and backed out of the office.  
  
---  
  
Meanwhile, Maxwell was having the time of his life sorting through personal files, and learning every secret about the Hellsing organization he could find on paper. He snickered as a particularly naughty thought came to his mind. He frowned as he looked around the practically bare desk for a pencil, muttering to himself that it was about as dull as Integral's life must be. He hardly noticed when he heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Come in," he said absentmindedly. He looked up and saw Walter walk in with a duster in his hand. "Oh, good, it's you. Do you have a pencil?"  
  
Walter stopped short, a crease appearing on his brow. "Not on me, I'm afraid. Is there not one in your desk, sir?"  
  
Maxwell frowned. "Yes, I suppose there is," he said, annoyed that there were so many drawers in the confounded thing. He decided to try the topmost drawer, and was faced with several boxes of cigars. His expression darkened as he looked at the phone, tempted to use it, but his eye went to Walter, who was meddling. Actually, he was just cleaning, but to Maxwell, it was meddling just the same.  
  
Sighing, Maxwell decided to wait until the butler had gone before he used the phone. He fished a pencil out of a vapid corner of a drawer and pretended to write into the files, when in actuality, he was scribbling rude messages and doodles into every corner he could find. Walter decided to leave, disturbed by what, to him, was Integral's incessant laughing.  
  
Maxwell spent another hour or so messing up the Hellsing files before his pencil ran out of lead. Annoyed, he started fiddling about the desk again, when the utter dullness of the piece of furniture got to him once more.  
  
"Doesn't the woman ever put anything of interest on this desk?" Maxwell muttered to himself. He decided to rifle through Integral's things to find something to put in front of him. He scrounged each drawer this way and that and found not a single picture. Finally, in the bottom most drawers, he found an aged framed photo of some tired looking man.  
  
"This will have to do, I guess," he shrugged, placing the picture in front of him and putting it at a nice angle. He jumped when he heard another knock at the door. He rolled his eyes at the frequent intrusions. "Come in."  
  
Walter walked in and bowed. "Alucard has returned from his mission, sir."  
  
"Well, tell him to go and shite. He annoys me," said Maxwell.  
  
Walter stopped and stared. For a moment, Integral sounded very... well, he couldn't place his finger on it, but he was going to find out sooner or later. His eyes trailed down to find a picture of the late Sir Hellsing on her desk. He raised a questioning eyebrow at this, but said nothing. Maxwell caught him staring and glared and said something that made Walter's monocle fall off.  
  
"What!?" Maxwell snapped. "I like having pictures of fluttered old men on my desk. Now get out of here!"  
  
Walter left, highly disturbed.  
  
---  
  
That was so funny I think I may start laughing next year. Or not. I don't know, I wasn't able to put much wit into this chapter (not that I ever do. Hahaha). I think I will stop writing when I'm half asleep.


	4. Closest to A x I I’m Ever Going to Get

Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway

By Sad WTF

Chapter 4. Closest to A x I I'm Ever Going to Get  
  
---  
  
Maxwell was starting to doze off in his seat when he jumped, remembering that he was alone. He dived for the phone, calling his office. After two rings, he heard his own voice on the other end.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"It's me!" hissed Maxwell.  
  
"You!" Integral hissed back. "What are you doing with a picture of me on your desk, you pervert?"  
  
Maxwell fell silent for a moment. After collecting himself, he began to stammer. "I-It was either that or a picture of the ugly old neighbor next door. I just like pictures on my desk, no matter the subject matter!" he said, biting his lip.  
  
He was met with silence at the other end, and was afraid Integral did not believe him. When she finally stirred, she merely sighed into the receiver.  
  
"What do you want, Maxwell? It better be good," she asked, suddenly sounding tired.  
  
"Oh, well," started Maxwell, "I forgot to mention that I don't smoke."  
  
"Thank you for that wonderful piece of information that I didn't want to know," said Integral, sarcastically. "Is that all you called me for?"  
  
"No," said Maxwell, with a sharpness in his voice. "I don't want you to go filling my lungs with that filthy cigar smoke that you breathe in day and night."  
  
Integral removed the phone from her ear to make a horrible grimace at the receiver, wishing that she could kill Maxwell. She closed her eyes and put the phone back to her ear again.  
  
"Just for that, I'm giving you lung cancer," she said in a low voice.  
  
Maxwell sat up, horrified. "If you do that, I'm going to go eat at McDonald's every day – until you get a pickled liver! See if I care!" he shouted.  
  
"Maxwell, don't be such an idiot. Stop gossiping and get to work instead."  
  
She hung up before he could reply. Maxwell muttered to himself as he slammed down the receiver. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Alucard leering at him from the corner.  
  
"Having a bad day, master?" smirked Alucard. He could sense that Integral was different – she seemed particularly stressed this morning – perhaps even easier to taunt in the state she was in.  
  
Maxwell shuddered at the vampire abomination, nearly making the Sign of the Cross. He abhorred the monster's presence, but he silently decided that if Integral could deal with her pet vampire, he could do it too – and even better.  
  
"I thought I had sent you a message – one about you going away?" said Maxwell, composing himself.  
  
Alucard shrugged and began to approach him slowly. "I like to hear you tell me yourself."  
  
"_Sod off_," Maxwell said, smirking and emphasizing both words to show he meant business. He figured he could do anything, even banish this thing to Greece if he wanted. He sat back and put his feet up on the desk, feeling sure of himself.  
  
Alucard stared, bewildered yet intrigued. Had his master actually started flirting with him? The way those words rolled off her tongue suggested something more to what she said. Baring his teeth he came even closer, making sure she felt his lingering presence.  
  
Maxwell stared at Alucard, annoyed that he was still there. It was a moment before he realized what the vampire was doing when he felt cold hands groping at the side of his neck. Maxwell stood up before he fell out of his seat and yet out a yell.  
  
"Keep your homosexual fantasies to your self, you plonker!" he shouted.  
  
Alucard started, shocked. He stood staring wordlessly for a moment or two before leaving to go to his basement to shoot his head a couple of times to see if that would clear any memories of what just happened. No, it wasn't the fact that his master had just called him gay that disturbed him; it was just that she sounded so... Well, he didn't want to think about that.  
  
Maxwell huffed in his seat. Suddenly, he had the gossip-filled urge to call Integral again and tell her what her vampire was up to. But then he decided against it for fear of her harming his body in revenge for even attempting to taunt her. He made a mental note to tell her once this problem solved itself and he was back to his normal self. Sighing, he began running his fingers down the desk, bored out of his mind.  
  
How did Integral spend every day sitting in front of this thing, again? He could feel where the chair had sunk in to accommodate her buttocks, due to all the prolonged sitting she did. Standing up, he looked down at the hollow patterns on the chair to amuse himself for a moment before realizing that he was going to go out of his mind if he didn't do something soon.  
  
"Time to explore," said Maxwell cheerfully to himself as he walked out of Integral's office. His steps were light already as he walked down the hallway, glad to leave the dismal place behind him. He stopped when he heard a girl's voice directed at him.  
  
"Good evening, Sir Integral," said a blonde girl in a blue uniform, nodding and smiling. "You look very nice today."  
  
"Uh, thank you," said Maxwell, feeling a little awkward. He didn't know what to say to her, until an idea struck him. "Say, is there a television around here?"  
  
The girl blinked a few times, shrugging. "I'm not sure. I think the men might have one in their common room. I don't go down there much, though."  
  
"Oh, well, want to go there now?" asked Maxwell, afraid he might not be able to find this common room on his own.  
  
"Uh... sure," said the girl, tentatively. Maxwell started to smile, but decided it would be very unlike Integral and stopped himself. He ended up with a grimace instead, looking more like he had the stomach flu, which unnerved Seras.  
  
They entered the common room and were met by wondering stares from several soldiers. One of them even called out, waving his hand and pointing at Maxwell. "Hey, who's that?"  
  
Another soldier nudged the first and whispered in his ear. The soldiers nervously murmured amongst themselves before slowly departing, leaving the room empty for Maxwell and Seras.  
  
"So, Seras," said Maxwell slowly, making a note to remember her name. "What's wrong with them?"  
  
Seras paused, surprised Integral had called her by her first name. "I think they feel awkward having you in here. I find it rather odd my self, but not in a bad way of course," Seras added quickly.  
  
Maxwell nodded, not really listening. He was too busy changing the channels. He finally settled on some queasy drama and started to watch, sitting down next to Seras on a sofa. It was hours later when Walter found them both glued to the television, watching EastEnders with equally glazed looks.  
  
Walter paused, assessing the scene for a moment before he cleared his throat. "Miss Victoria, may I speak to you for a moment?"  
  
---  
  
Well, sorry for not updating for so long (to those what, _two_ people who read this. Hahahaha). I was seriously stuck on the last part because I couldn't figure out what to make Maxwell and Seras watch. WTF. But finally I decided to use TeaRoses' idea (Seras watches EastEnders in a short drabble that TeaRoses wrote) and make them watch EastEnders. Lord.


	5. Thank God It's Friday

Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway  
  
By Sad WTF  
  
Chapter 5. Thank God It's Friday  
  
---  
  
"What is it, Walter?" asked a concerned Seras as she joined Walter out in the hallway. The older man frowned for a moment and glanced into the common room before speaking again.  
  
"I have noticed that Sir Integral has been acting peculiar today," he sighed. "You may have noticed by her sudden interest in watching the television with you in the common room, perhaps?"  
  
Seras frowned. "Well, I did think it was rather odd at first, but it is quite pleasant once you get used to it."  
  
"Pleasant or not, a sudden change like this must mean something. Why, just awhile ago, when she spoke to me, she sounded just like–"  
  
"Hey!" interrupted Maxwell loudly, barging out into the hallway. "Quit harassing her with your manky talk and lay off!"  
  
Walter looked at Seras with a 'See what I mean?' expression, but Seras was too happy to oblige Integral by going back inside to watch more mindless programs. Walter sighed and shook his head, worried.  
  
---  
  
Integral's brow furrowed deeply as she stared in shock at the papers in front of her.  
  
"That bastard," muttered Integral to herself as she reluctantly allowed Maxwell to cross her mind. She just couldn't believe the sheer power Iscariot held – power that Maxwell hadn't apparently been using to its fullest extent. Iscariot might have found and crushed Millennium by now had Maxwell chosen it to happen.  
  
Integral sighed. She didn't think Maxwell was stupid. Well, not very stupid, anyway. She figured there was some stupid Catholic law that forbade him from using his own forces. She wondered if she could have an audience with the Pope, but decided against it due to the fact that she wasn't Catholic enough. And she wasn't going to start learning how to be one if she could help it.  
  
Integral smirked to herself as she recalled the offended expression on that old man's face as she refused to eat what was offered and went out to eat instead. Who cared if it was Friday? Nobody was going to tell her what to eat. She could hear that annoying girl still laughing over the fact that she slowly savored chicken salad as Father Ronaldo watched in utter horror.  
  
Integral was interrupted from her musings when someone she definitely recognized walked in – Father Alexander Anderson. She raised an eyebrow at the intrusion, but did not question it. She was used to people entering without knocking, though she had reprimanded many today for it, and was too tired of the subject to bring it up for today. It was when Anderson sat on her desk (yes, she considered it her desk now) that she looked up and glared.  
  
---  
  
"But why do you refuse to eat it?" asked Walter, pushing the pot roast closer to Maxwell's face.  
  
"Because--..." Maxwell had to stop himself from mentioning it was Friday. "...I have a cold," he trailed off, meekly.  
  
Walter frowned and looked carefully at Integral's features. What had those damn Nazis done to her? He knew she wasn't like this before she left. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?" Walter asked, softly.  
  
Maxwell stared at the butler, feeling a twitch coming to his left eye. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"I mean, nothing serious happened when you were attacked by Millennium?"  
  
"I'm fine. Quit meddling." Lord, Integral had such nosy servants.  
  
Walter sighed and pulled back. He gave up, but only for tonight. Tomorrow he was going to pry all the information he could out of her if it was the last thing he did. "Very well. What would you like to eat instead, sir?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm tired," snapped Maxwell. "I'm going to bed."  
  
Walter stared after Integral's receding head as she quickly exited the room. She didn't look particularly ill, though her manner said otherwise. He sighed and looked out the window at the setting sun, hoping for a solution to this mysterious problem.  
  
---  
  
Father Anderson was as dazed as a dazed dazer on a dazerrific daze contest. Never in his mind's eye would he have pictured what had just happened.  
  
Maxwell had yelled at him.  
  
Not the whiny boobish bickering he was used to being subjected to. No, this was a tremendous yell of yells, and it unnerved him beyond anything. He was actually nervous, yes nervous, of what might happen if he did not accomplish his mission. He shuddered just to picture a wrathful Maxwell.  
  
Wrathful Maxwell. What an oxymoron! Until now, that is. Never had the priest dared to yell at him. The others, yes, but him, never. Yet, horrified as he was, Father Anderson was actually happy. The man actually did have guts underneath all that simpering frailty! For the first time in his life, he was proud to say that he worked under Father Maxwell. Grinning simply, he straightened himself, ready to find this Millennium organization.  
  
###  
  
Maxwell had a dream. A horrifying dream, but a dream nonetheless. But he was awake now! And knowing that what had happened was nothing but a disturbing fabrication of his own mind put him in the most jubilant of moods.  
  
Jumping out of bed, Maxwell did an Irish jig.#  
  
"What on earth are you doing, Sir Integral?" gasped a shocked Walter.  
  
Maxwell tripped on a rug and fell, realizing at the same time that his jig wasn't as Irish enough as it usually should have been. That's when realization struck him. Actually, it was the floor coming up to meet his head, but that's about the same thing.  
  
"Damn, it wasn't a dream," muttered Maxwell. He glared at Integral's annoying butler, who had apparently been snooping around the room as usual.  
  
Walter stared suspiciously on as he pursed his lips in worry. He had suspected something, from the way she talked... But he didn't expect this.  
  
"Sir Integral, we need to talk," he said, firmly.  
  
Maxwell rolled his eyes. The butler sounded so much like Father Ronaldo when he said that.  
  
---  
  
Maxwell had agreed to dress as quickly as possible to talk with Walter, but he hadn't expected this. He stood in front of the mirror, mesmerized.  
  
"How does she hide these!?" exclaimed Maxwell to himself. He nodded and stared some more, thinking Integral's assets would be much more interesting if not obscured by her boring underwear. Entranced, he decided to keep the old man waiting.  
  
Said old man came barging in moments later, to find Integral standing around in her underwear, grabbing at her chest. "Sir?" asked Walter, alarmed.  
  
Maxwell looked at him, guiltier than the butler could ever imagine.  
  
Oh well, time for that talk.  
  
---  
  
Enjoy. Oh, and thank you to all of you who commented!  
  
#I think Maxwell is Irish. I'm sorry, his first name is Italian, but that's the only reason that I would believe he is one (And even the name makes me think it was just one of those "Kouta Hirano is crazy" moments. You know, much like the Major's very un-German name). Everything else I've seen makes me think that he is, in fact, very, very Irish. I'M SORRY. Maybe he was adopted by Father Ronaldo. WTF NO.  
  
(BTW, for those wondering about the #s, for some reason the asterisks wouldn't show up, so I had to substitute.) 


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